Aku berlagak kuatkah selama ini? Berlagak matang? Berlagak tahu semua? Berlagak tabah? Berlagak cool? Berlagak boleh survive? *kunun*
Well, at least I've had an effort to survive. To be independent. Even it doesn't work for several times. No, for most of the times. Yes, I am dependent. And I don't know how to overcome it. It's like it can't be help. It's a pain when the time comes to lose someone I always depend on. Even I don't show it sometimes, show to them that I am depending on them, but the thing is, I am. Depending. That's why I've tried to avoid knowing people. I've tried but it never work. Of course. I'm talkative, I've a lot of thoughts that I HAVE TO SHARE. Because I don't know how to keep.
But then, each time sharing with others, I am actually depending on them. OK. That was hard. Really hard. Then when the people went away, I'll become a bird who lost it's wing. Both wings. I don't know what kind of person I am, but then, it's quite hard to live a dependent life.
Simplest word, I am still a kid. I think. Well, actually I am afraid to grow up.
"Berhenti nangis boleh tak? Kau tu dah 19, bukan 9. Grow up, kid!" -ini biasa."Berhentilah ika. Jadi matang." -ini juga biasa."Fikir sendiri. Jangan tunggu orang suap je. Cuba faham situasi. Guna sikit akal tu." -ini luar biasa."Sampai bila nak bergantung kat aku ni? Kalau aku takda macam mana?" -ini agak-agak."Cuba buat sendiri. Fikir sendiri. Ika dah besar kan?" -ni sentap sikit.
It's a lot actually. But, all I can do is to be quite and think. I rarely use my brain to think about those things. But I have to, right? YES.
Apart from above statements, there are people who give me an opposite thought. I don't know how, but seems they are confident that I can survive. They know I can do it better. Err ...ya, it's about independent. Even I, don't really know myself either. I hope they are right.
"Ingat Tuhan banyak2..zikir2..selawat..insyaAllah takde pape..Jangan biarkan kosong hati tu..""Wahai budak..sesungguhnya kau akan melangkah ke alam universiti, mungkin orang kata alam pradewasa... Maka bertawakkal kpd Tuhan dan janganlah kau jauh dari jalan yg lurus. Semoga Allah bersama kau..Selawat banyak2 dan sentiasa ingat Tuhan. All the best.""Selamat memulakan pengajian :) dah besar dah dia :)""So, berapa kali kau penah nangis dalam tepon? Takpelah, anak yg tabah :) ""yer2..Pikir masa depan. Kau pun da besar kan...bagus :) ""If datang seseorang yg baik agamanya dan kau pun dah sedia, jangan sia-siakan.. Masa depan setiap orang ditentukan oleh dirinya sendiri. TC. Yang penting, improve to the best k. Kau boleh buat, budak kecik! Aku tau :D "
They doesn't seem like they are getting annoyed with my childishness. And they never complain about that though. Oh maybe several times, but then they are okay with that. Meaning, there are people who couldn't treat me like a kid, and hate it. And there are people who just treat me just the way I am. Perhaps, I have to be more mature, in order to be independent. I hope I can do that.
I don't know how. I'll try. I'll put the best effort. I just want to be normal. That's all.
."salam..hey..someday u'll grow up..chill..actually..its better if we could just stay to be a child..and not to grown up..at least we don't have much to think about..
*I've lost my angel of inspiration. No, I left them actually. In order to be independent. And I hope I can take them back, to be my angel of inspiration, once again.*