Sunday, December 10, 2017


So back then when I was a 12 y-o little girl (well yeah I consider myself as 'little' even until now), I always have this kind of questions; why do we have to go to school, get good grades, get the best college, get new friends, get the best job we could get, earn more etc. Why can't we just have fun and be happy? So, I ditched the offers to boarding school (of course, applied by ayah, he really wanted this troublemaker daughter to get out from home).

During my SPM year, I always questioned myself; am I doing my best, do I have to struggle to survive, why am I doing things that weren't for me, why do I have to make someone else happy instead of myself, am I a good daughter? These questions dragged me into slump. I wondered how do I live once I finished my high school. I wondered what do I do to survive in college? (And I did)

When I was accepted to USIM, I was happy, but who's the happiest among the family? My mom. And always, ayah. I showed to them the acceptance letter (computerized) they even wanted to frame it. You see, at that time, I realized, I was happy, and I was happier when they're happy. My happiness is on my parents'. It's late but I do realized then, that it's important to make others happy, so you could be happier. I was being so selfish back then, I ignore others' feelings and stick to what makes me happy.

How I wish that I could be the reason of someone's happiness. I bet everyone does. With that, I always face disappointment. Of not being able to fulfill their wishes, of not being able to help when I really wanted to, of not being good enough, of not knowing their true feelings, of being a burden to them, these disappointments, again, dragged me into slump. Resulted me ignoring the important purpose of living. I followed my will (which mostly gone wrong), and back to my selfish-self.

It's almost 26, and it's quite some times that these things dragged me into slump. I was drown in my own selfish-self for several times. At times, I ignore everyone, including those important people in my life, just to make sure that I'll be comfortable with myself. I realized how selfish I am.

I'm happy making others happy. But when I was mistreated, it was incredibly hard for me to get back to normal, I may forgive, but to be like it used to be, it's nearly impossible. I do believe most of people does that too. 

**this is me talking (writing) to myself, like always. Do not be offended, and if you do, I apologize. 

I got hurt when I cared too much. So I care less, but I got hurt too.
Life is unfair, or it's just me being unfair to myself?
I choose not to get hurt, but my inner self never allow me. 

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