During my SPM year, I always questioned myself; am I doing my best, do I have to struggle to survive, why am I doing things that weren't for me, why do I have to make someone else happy instead of myself, am I a good daughter? These questions dragged me into slump. I wondered how do I live once I finished my high school. I wondered what do I do to survive in college? (And I did)
When I was accepted to USIM, I was happy, but who's the happiest among the family? My mom. And always, ayah. I showed to them the acceptance letter (computerized) they even wanted to frame it. You see, at that time, I realized, I was happy, and I was happier when they're happy. My happiness is on my parents'. It's late but I do realized then, that it's important to make others happy, so you could be happier. I was being so selfish back then, I ignore others' feelings and stick to what makes me happy.
How I wish that I could be the reason of someone's happiness. I bet everyone does. With that, I always face disappointment. Of not being able to fulfill their wishes, of not being able to help when I really wanted to, of not being good enough, of not knowing their true feelings, of being a burden to them, these disappointments, again, dragged me into slump. Resulted me ignoring the important purpose of living. I followed my will (which mostly gone wrong), and back to my selfish-self.
It's almost 26, and it's quite some times that these things dragged me into slump. I was drown in my own selfish-self for several times. At times, I ignore everyone, including those important people in my life, just to make sure that I'll be comfortable with myself. I realized how selfish I am.
I'm happy making others happy. But when I was mistreated, it was incredibly hard for me to get back to normal, I may forgive, but to be like it used to be, it's nearly impossible. I do believe most of people does that too.
**this is me talking (writing) to myself, like always. Do not be offended, and if you do, I apologize.
I got hurt when I cared too much. So I care less, but I got hurt too.
Life is unfair, or it's just me being unfair to myself?
I choose not to get hurt, but my inner self never allow me.