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Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Ayah

Day 1
Sun, 12 Feb
Around 10am ayah mengadu sakit dada, few days back he was having cough, so we thought maybe chest pain because of the cough. Few minutes later, ayah kata it's hard to breath, macam tersekat, sempit. So we drove ayah to gh kajang, straight to emergency. 3 hours later, lepas ayah dah stable, ayah warded ke ward biasa. Supported by neb, ayah nampak okay cuma sometimes batuk dan susah nak catch up breath after.

So we spent the afternoon in the ward. Later, around 6+- pm, ayah was having critically trouble breathing, it was a bit chaos, since masa tu waktu melawat, ramai yg melawat termasuklah ustaz salim. It takes few minutes utk nurse tu datang ke bed ayah. Ya, utk datang ke katil after 2 3 kali panggil. Lepas tu ayah dah almost collapse, luckily ada doktor akhirnya yg mempunyai akai, mai ke katil ayah, lepas tu perambat kami keluaq sbb depa nak buat apa tak tau. Geram. Sbb aku sendiri dah 2 3 kali panggil, nurse tolonglah tengok sat ayah saya, dia makin susah nak bernafas tu. Depa buat dek ja. Kot kena kat mak pak hgpa lagu tu, hgpa boleh sabaq ka?

Thanks to them, malam tu another doctor on duty buat checkup and decide to put on tube and ventilator or something, to support ayah's breathing. Personally, aku terasa amat fragile dan hampir berkecai jiwa tgk seksanya ayah masa depa nak masukkan tube, tp Ma, subhanallah, Allah bg kekuatan yg luar biasa sangat², ma tenang sangat², kami dah berendam ayaq mata.

Day 2
Mon, 13 Feb
So, malam ma n angah rolling jaga ayah, so the morning it's my turn. Tp Ma mcm biasa, tak boleh tinggal laki dia, jd ma n aku berdua jaga ayah. Dan kami sejenis yg "there are rules to be break" punya orang maka 2 3 kali guard perambat sorang suh turun sebab 1 patient 1 waris shj, kami pedulik apa. So menjelang waktu melawat, ayah still belum sedar, ramai yg melawat, officemates, suraumates, few schoolmates pun ada.

The night aku n angah pula take turn utk jaga ayah memandangkan "the rules cannot be break" sbb guard on duty sangat la cengey nak mampuih, dia perambat aku siap tunggu tepi katil nak suh aku blah. So aku hantaq ma balik rehat, aku mai ganti ng angah.
Allah nak uji lagi kekuatan mental hambaNya yg fragile ni, ayah bergerak² dgn muka berkerut, 'ayah nak kencing ka? Ayah kencing ja. Takpa depa pasang tube bg ayah senang kencing.' Lepas tu ayah tenang n tertidur balik. Shazrul mai, ayah terjaga balik, muka sakit balik, sambil cuba nak meronta. Ingat ka ayah panas, pi la kipas, minta shazrul kipas kan. Aku lap badan ayah dgn towel basah sbb ayah dah start demam.
Lepas tu ayah keep on meronta dan macam biasa dgn bitchy nya, nurse sekali lagi buat bodo. Then ayah pegang bawah perut belah kiri dia buat muka sakit, aku tanya ayah sakit ka? Angguk. Nak kencing ka? Geleng. Tak boleh kencing ka? Geleng. So aku panggil nurse, bgtau kat dia, ayah sy sakit tak boleh kencing. Bitchy nya wajah nurse itu dia ignore aku dan blah pi katil patient lain. Okay aku sabaq, tak boleh riot sebab depa yg jaga ayah, depa yg tahu nak buat apa. So sabaq. Ayah masih lagi tak selesa, meronta, sampai angah naik. Aku dah ketaq 1 badan. Rapuh nak mampuih sampai angah suh panggil doctor aku kaku takleh gerak. Nasib baik ada syazrul tolong panggil2 doc. So thanks to those bitches yg ignore aku ng angah, it turned out that tube kencing ayah tu rupanya tersumbat, sejak 8pm, ayah duk sakit, depa ignore kami, dan thanks to them, also, demam ayah makin teruk, dan bp ayah drop. It was such a long night dgn nurse yg idk how to describe dan doc yg keep on saying "patient mmg rasa sakit sbb mereka restless, sebab tu i tak bagi ramai2 jaga sini nanti ganggu patient". This doctor la yg insist on "nothing serious" dan dia boleh tak perasan tube ayah tersumbat. Lepas depa tukaq tube, ayah lena sampai ke pagi.

So that night aku jatuh lagi, jiwa berkecai lagi, hati berderai lagi, lemah segala, tengok ayah, tengok mereka yg 'jaga' ayah. Lemah. Aku keluar 1am around sejam, drive 1 kajang, non stop, sampai tenang, patah balik ke hospital.

4am. Aku naik ganti ng angah. Aku naik tu depa baru nak salin ayah, nak tukaq cadar etc. Masa ni nurse yg sama, yg bitchy, depan mata aku ni, buat hal. Dia kasaq nak mampuih, sampai ayah terjaga, bila ayah terjaga, rasa tak selesa, ayah nak meronta la. Dia boleh letak tangan ayah kt perut, dia tampaq 2x. Depan aku. Kuangjaq tak kuangjaq. Aku sabaq, ingat ka dia nak drip ka nak cari urat ka. Lepas tu ayah angkat pulak tangan, dia campak/tolak tangan ayah dgn muka bengis. Masa tu aku naik hantu dah, ni yg kasaq sgt ni pasaipa? Ni anak dia duk depan hg ni, elok sikit buat keja. Diam mcm apa lg. Settle ja depa salin. Aku duk mengaji sebelah ayah. Aku perasan BP kat machine tu mcm tak hidup, aku tgk lengan ayah, thanks to that bitchy nurse tu yg tolak tangan ayah, tube bp tu tercabut taktau pi mana, dia boleh blah gitu ja tak check elok². Aku tanya dia, ni awat bp dia kosong ni, ni tube apa ni? Awat tak bersambung? Mmg mcm ni ka? Saja aku sarkastik, tau dah. Dia boleh pandang aku, cucuk balik tube tu, muncul ja bacaan bp tu, 'ni ha ada dah'. Oh mcm tu jawapan dia? Careless nak mampuih hgpa niiii!!!!

Friday, February 10, 2017

Pain

So, lately I'm having this kinda weird sickness, very close to bulimia, but it's not.

I googled bulimia and anorexia, thinking that I, for some reasons, am having this mental crisis leads to eating disorder. I'm a picky eater but I'm also quite a foodie. I mean, I love food.

So, that's definitely not the case. I'm neither bulimic nor anorexic. Alhamdulillah.

I'm having these weird symptoms for months already. It creeps me out thinking that I have serious disease. Seriously. So, for months, I often vomit right after having a meal. Breakfast, lunch, brunch, dinner, supper. Mostly during lunch time. It's not like I want to vomit, but it did w/o my consent. And I hate vomiting so much since it makes me out of breath for seconds and it's painful.

I did asked my friends, I went to clinic, I did some minor checkups, everything is normal. Doctor said that I might have stressed myself too much on something so it affects my eating habit, leads to eating disorder and stomachache. But seriously, I don't have stomachache. I just throw up everything I ate, after meals.

At first, I felt good because I lost kilos of my weight, but it didn't look good when the weight keep decreasing due to something I don't even know. It's upsetting for not knowing what's wrong with your own body. And the doctor's consultation doesn't really help.

I've had enough with myself having this kind of severe headache sometimes, migraine and menstrual pain, and now this.

"Allah nak uji. Redha."

Monday, November 28, 2016

Degree, checked!

Untuk empat tahun yg penuh dengan suka duka air mata dan gelak tawa bersama sohabat sohabat, belajar erti hidup sbg seorang siswi yg saban waktu merempat di perhentian bas utk pergi balik kelas, pagi bawak ke malam. Momen² derita bila esaimen kena submit lagi 3 hari tapi rumah kena rompak dan laptop kena curi. Momen² indah bila berjimba masa study week dan momen² gelisah bila topik yg kau tak baca tiba² keluar masa final. Juga momen² lelah kendalikan iceps dan imec khususnya.
Lelah.
Untuk satu tahun yg kehilangan diri sendiri utk sementara. Dan setahun yg manis bersama anak² tercinta.
Terima kasih, Allah.
Terima kasih Ma.
Terima kasih Ayah.
Terima kasih alongangahalangatehadikintan.
Terima kasih sohabat².
Terima kasih sebab selalu ada.
.
Ijazah yg cuma sekeping kertas.
Terima dengan cuma 10 saat di pentas.
Penuh dgn emosi.
.
Degree, checked.
Lepas ni, Allah je tahu.
Mati dulu. Kawen dulu. Tukar kerja dulu. Beli rumah dulu.
.
Masih dlm usaha utk attend kelas agama dgn Ma. Moga Allah mudahkan.

Friday, November 4, 2016

Bukan Cinta Biasa (baca:luarbiasa)

Dah settle.

That one silly mistake yg aku duk repeat dr dulu ialah, got crushed on my very own best friend pastu pi confess naharom.
Both. Ended tragically.
Tragic dia kat aku la.
Depa relek ja.
The first one, longing like crazy jugak la sebelum berjaya move on dgn bergaya.
The current one, mungkin this time orangnya very honest dan bukan species memberi harapan, maka it takes only few days la.
.
.
And once again, hidup aye kembali ceria. Matahari bersinar seperti sinarnya hati aye menghadapi hari² mendatang. Bulan bercahaya seperti bercahayanya harapan aye agar lepas ni tak crush dgn member sendiri lagi kahkah.

At 24, aku dah patut stop fikir ttg hidup berdua walau berdua lebih baik. Bullshit. Aku peduli apa. Semoga kejayaan kedua ini adalah yg terakhir. Amiin.

So fath and seth. Farewell. 😇

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Insekiyaw.

Insecure bila kawan-kawan kau semua dah kahwin dan kau buat keputusan to pick any guy in your life dan ajak dia kahwin.

*that's not really applicable to me since you're not just 'any guy'.

Tapi mungkin betul.
Mungkin desakan family.
Mungkin.

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