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Sunday, December 10, 2017

QUESTIONSSSSSSSS OF LIFE (read: MY LIFE)

So back then when I was a 12 y-o little girl (well yeah I consider myself as 'little' even until now), I always have this kind of questions; why do we have to go to school, get good grades, get the best college, get new friends, get the best job we could get, earn more etc. Why can't we just have fun and be happy? So, I ditched the offers to boarding school (of course, applied by ayah, he really wanted this troublemaker daughter to get out from home).

During my SPM year, I always questioned myself; am I doing my best, do I have to struggle to survive, why am I doing things that weren't for me, why do I have to make someone else happy instead of myself, am I a good daughter? These questions dragged me into slump. I wondered how do I live once I finished my high school. I wondered what do I do to survive in college? (And I did)

When I was accepted to USIM, I was happy, but who's the happiest among the family? My mom. And always, ayah. I showed to them the acceptance letter (computerized) they even wanted to frame it. You see, at that time, I realized, I was happy, and I was happier when they're happy. My happiness is on my parents'. It's late but I do realized then, that it's important to make others happy, so you could be happier. I was being so selfish back then, I ignore others' feelings and stick to what makes me happy.

How I wish that I could be the reason of someone's happiness. I bet everyone does. With that, I always face disappointment. Of not being able to fulfill their wishes, of not being able to help when I really wanted to, of not being good enough, of not knowing their true feelings, of being a burden to them, these disappointments, again, dragged me into slump. Resulted me ignoring the important purpose of living. I followed my will (which mostly gone wrong), and back to my selfish-self.

It's almost 26, and it's quite some times that these things dragged me into slump. I was drown in my own selfish-self for several times. At times, I ignore everyone, including those important people in my life, just to make sure that I'll be comfortable with myself. I realized how selfish I am.

I'm happy making others happy. But when I was mistreated, it was incredibly hard for me to get back to normal, I may forgive, but to be like it used to be, it's nearly impossible. I do believe most of people does that too. 



**this is me talking (writing) to myself, like always. Do not be offended, and if you do, I apologize. 





I got hurt when I cared too much. So I care less, but I got hurt too.
Life is unfair, or it's just me being unfair to myself?
I choose not to get hurt, but my inner self never allow me. 

Sunday, May 21, 2017

X

The world gets so scary nowadays.
A person you think you know, becomes a person you knew.
No one knows who's changing.

Bilamana aku percayakan seseorang, dan dia memang sememangnya sangat boleh dipercayai, tempat rujukan masalah, tempat cerita masalah, tempat lepaskan marah, dan dia berbesar hati (aku rasalah) untuk tolong (walaupun sekadar baca) dan respon dan nasihat.
Dan tiba-tiba berubah jadi seseorang yg lain. Selama berbelas tahun, hari ni baru aku tahu yg dia serabut dgn kisah aku, masalah aku, marah aku. Lain nau dgn respon dia selama ni. Serba salah aye dibuatnya.



Ya, aku harap hg baca ni, maaf sebab menyusahkan. Aku bersumpah hg takkan serabut lagi dgn aku. Itu janji aku. Selamat hidup dgn tenang dan aman.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

24y10m

Aku terlajak terbuka bila dah rapat dengan seseorang. Aku letak 99% kepercayaan yang hang takkan betray aku, takkan burukkan aku, akan jaga rahsia aku, akan cherish kewujudan aku kat dunia ni dan akan terus tolong aku.

That’s how I treat people I’m comfortable to be with.
And that’s why I often being betrayed.

Sad. But it’s life. Bukan semua orang boleh value kau macam mana depa value diri depa sendiri. Too few dan yang ada pun kadang-kadang takkan ada untuk kau selamanya.

well, inside me now is still this little kid


Aku adalah salah seorang yang selalu failed bab first impression. First impression orang kat aku, dan aku punya first impression terhadap orang. Imagine in a year, dua kali aku kena game. First, pasal hutang. Bab tu settle la tapi still, aku kecewa sebab macam mana aku layan dai macam hakak sendiri, menangis sama-sama bila dia call cerita problem and everything, ended up berkecai punah segala.

The problem is, otak aku seolah tak diprogramkan untuk detect makhluk-makhluk sampah yang nak ambil kesempatan kat aku. Senang sembang aku ni jenis leluhur positive percaya je kat orang slow blur bendul la semua ada. Tapi once aku dah kena betray kaw kaw punya, terus la aku su’uzzhon ngan semua orang. Kucing mengiau sebelah pun aku rasa insecure dia ni nak bunuh aku ke.

But still, I keep repeating the same mistake all over again. I put trust on random people, and get betrayed. I adore the physical appearance, and then they left, leaving me in painful scars all over my inner soul.

Lalu datang seketul sahabat, “Beb, keep your positive vibes, never give up. Bukan semua orang boleh husnuzzhon ngan strangers macam kau. Bukan semua orang berani nak open to new people. Kau ada benda tu, use it for good. Kau kena betray, relek je. Depa manusia. Kau pon manusia. Mungkin kau pun ada betray orang lain that’s why kau kena betray, tanpa kau sedar. Sebab kau sejenis lembab, kau tak tahu pun kau tengah ignore orang lain, sakitkan hati orang lain. So just be yourself and treat others the way you think you should be treated. Kau complicated, sebab kau yg buat diri kau complicated. Sebenaqnya kau ni simple je. So relek dan teruskan sebarkan kebaikan.”

Phooshhhh. Dia serupa katana yg merodok straight to the heart beb tapi tulah kalau hang duk berlagak macam hang sorang ja hidup dalam dunia ni memang hang akan sesat sehingga kiamat. Memang patut ada katana sebilah dua mai rodok hati hang yg gelap hitam tu kasi cerah sikit. Berbekalkan katana ni aku terima yg aku sebenaqnya banyak gila kekurangan sedar ka tak sedar ka aku memang kekurangan. Sebab manusia. Manusia memang ahsani taqwim tapi manusia tetap banyak flaws ciptaan diri sendiri yg tak sedar Pencipta kat Sana duk tengok ja, tak sedar yg malaikat duk catit amalan kiri kanan depan belakang. Manusia. Lughahnya memang lupa.


Semoga Allah rahmati aku dan kalian dengan kerahmatan yang berpanjangan.


1538
090417

Friday, February 24, 2017

Day 4 - mof

Ayah, hari ni ika ng adik pi ofis ayah. Depa buat tahlil utk ayah. Baik je semua kawan² ayah. Depa pakat cerita pasal ayah sepanjang kerja. Personally depa terasa sangat ayah takda. Kalau dak, pagi² lagi ayah la laughing pill depa. Ayah memang suka bergurau suka menyakat kan.
Murah rezeki ayah, sumbangan orang² semua banyak. InshaAllah tahun ni jugak kitorang buat upah haji umrah utk ayah. Ayah nak pergi umrah, menangis ayah masa cik rahim datang bgtau kata dia nak pi umrah. Ayah kata takut tak sempat.

Ofismet ayah cerita, depa bincang nak buat majlis perpisahan utk persaraan ayah nanti, depa cadang nak buat bulan 3. Tapi ayah takmau.."buat apa buat bulan 3, abg man takda dah masa tu." Depa ingat ayah nak habiskan cuti..rupanya memang ayah dah takda.

Ayah, depa semua besaq hati ayah spend banyak masa dgn depa sebelum ayah pergi. Depa kata sebelum ni ayah biasa² ja, selalu lepak dgn geng² kopi, tp sebelum ayah pergi, setiap hari ayah lepak ng depa. Bersembang, bergurau, nasihat macam².

Ika dah amek barang² ayah tadi. Sekotak ja yg tinggal. Yg lain ayah dah kemas habis. Cubic ayah ada bau ayah lagi. Sayang rasa nak tinggalkan.

Ayah..petang ni kawan² ma, anak murid ma, semua mai buat baca yasin dan tahlil utk ayah. Ayah rehat kat sana senang² ya. Nanti ika pi tengok ayah. Kemas² rumah ayah. Ika rindu ayah.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Day 1 - Wallahi it's hard

Subuh semalam ayah boleh selfie nak hantaq ke group family, nak bgtau yg dia dah sihat. Tp tak kesampaian sbb takda internet.
Allah Maha Perancang Terbaik, Allah uji, kemudian Dia bagi nikmat pada kami anak2 ayah, pada ma, dapat borak dgn ayah, cium ayah, jaga ayah, bergurau dgn ayah, aku sendiri dgn dua tangan ni, suap ayah makan, lap badan ayah. Allah bg peluang kami berbakti pd ayah di sisa terakhir hayat ayah.

Susahnyaaaaa tanpa ayah. Perasaan pelik aneh sedih semua ada. Cucu2 ayah duk tanya, tokwan mana? Bila tokwan balik? Kenapa tokwan tidur dalam tanah? Kenapa tak suruh uncle (pemandu van jenazah) bawak tokwan balik rumah? Bertubi² soalan anak² manja cikka ni. Offa, 3 tahun, tak faham apa², tp dia duk ingat ja mama dia kata. Fariq tanya tokwan mana? Offa jawab 'tokwan kan dah meninggal, dah jumpa Allah, nanti lama² kita pulak jumpa tokwan. Tokwan kan tunggu offa kt sana.
Allahu...anak...

Ayah sejenis talkative kuat sakat kuat sembang kuat gelak semua kuat. Sampai akhir nya pun masih bergurau. Allah sayang ayah. Ayah tenang kat sana.
Ktrg redha. Sedih sangat. Tapi ktrg redha. Selamat tinggal, ayah. Tinggallah ayah kat sana, semoga ayah dilayan selemahlembutnya, setenang taman² syurga.
Sayang ayah.
21feb2017

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